The Gardens
by EchoResonance
Summary: My friends seem to admire how well I handle my dark past. They don't understand how I can do it, when people with easier lives than myself have lost all semblance of sanity. In the midst of their wonderings, my father's mantra comes back to me. Never stop. Always keep walking. I've made this my mantra as well, the reason I can go on after everything


"Allen?"

I blinked and glanced at my door. I hadn't heard her knock, or heard the door open. But, I kind of went into a zone when I was working out.

"Yeah, Lenalee?" I responded, jumping back onto the floor. I'd beaten my personal best for one handed body lifts anyway. I could afford to call it good.

"Can I…talk to you?" she asked quietly, her violet eyes darting from me to the floor.

I frowned, then realized I was only wearing my pants. I didn't have on a shirt. Blushing slightly, I fumbled around for my white button-down and red tie.

"Sure. What do you want to talk about?" I asked as I pulled it on and started fixing the buttons.

"Just stuff."

I raised an eyebrow. _Just stuff_, huh? That didn't sound like Lenalee at all.

"Alright. Let's walk." Said as I quickly tied the length of scarlet material around my throat.

"Okay."

My frown deepened, but I followed her out of my room and down a side hall. Her hair wasn't pulled up like it usually was. It was pulled back at the nape of her neck in a sleek ponytail. Despite her words saying that she wanted to talk to me, she didn't actually say anything as we walked. Slowly, I realized that she was taking me down a path I had never followed before.

"Hey, guys!" came a loud voice from behind us.

I looked over my shoulder at Lavi, who was leaning out of one of the rooms off the hall. He wasn't wearing his headband, and his wild scarlet hair had been left to its own devices. However, his scarf was still in place.

"Hey, Lavi!" I called, waving and grinning.

"Where are you off to?" Lavi said with a devilish smirk. "Not going to do something that'll set Komui on you, are ya?"

I laughed, although in the back of my mind I shuddered. Komui scared the crap out of me. That guy was more terrifying than any Akuma I had ever faced.

"Nah, nothing like that," I answered.

"Hey, Lenalee! Are you taking him to the gardens?"

I looked over at Lenalee, who was making an irked face at Lavi.

"Thanks for ruining the surprise, Lavi!" she snapped.

The red-head held up his hands in defense, grinning like an idiot, the way he usually did.

"Hey, hey, sorry. Mind if I come with you? I'm so damn bored of the Old Pand—"

Our friend's words were cut off abruptly as he was sent flying out of his room into the railing on the other side of the hallway. A boot print the exact same shade of red as his hair blazed on the Exorcist's cheek. Bookman, Lavi's mentor and the "Old Panda" in question, brushed off his coat and looked over at his apprentice.

"That hurt you crusty old man!" Lavi bellowed, cradling his injured cheek.

Bookman let a fist fly loose to the boy's other cheek.

"Show some respect you foolish redhead!" he growled.

"Bit me you ancient panda," Lavi muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing!" Lavi shouted, cowering into the railing.

"I thought so," said Bookman. "Ungrateful brat…Oh, go ahead and run off. You weren't doing anything useful anyway."

"Yes! Thank you!" Lavi exclaimed, leaping to his feet and sprinting after us.

"So…The gardens, huh?" I said, catching up to Lenalee.

She sighed. "Yeah. They're really pretty in autumn, and I thought you might want to see them."

"Sounds great. Let's go."

"They're awesome this time of year," Lavi said, slinging an arm each around Lenalee and myself.

…

"Wow," I breathed in awe.

I hadn't even known that there were any gardens here. But there were, and they were beautiful. The towering trees were clothed in leaves that had turned to brilliant gold, burnt orange, and blazing red. Colorful flowers sprung up along the stone walls of the garden and around the bases of the tree trunks, all varying shades of violet, crimson, and indigo. The grass was still green, as was the leafy ivy crawling up the walls and over latticework archways. A pathway of lavender stepping stones, green grass growing up between them, led through the gardens.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Lenalee said softly.

Even Lavi gazed in quiet rapture at the picturesque landscape. This place couldn't be real, could it? I couldn't remember if I had ever seen a place of such beauty before, but this…This was too beautiful to be possible.

"What do you mean, Allen?" Lenalee asked in surprise.

I blinked and looked at her. She was frowning at me. Had I accidentally said that last part aloud?

"Of course this is real, Allen," Lavi laughed, slapping me on the shoulder.

I winced. My left arm was still hurting a little from our last mission, and since I had refused to allow Komui to operate on me, I was healing naturally. And slowly. And painfully.

"Why would you ask that?"

I smiled a little and shook my head.

"No reason. Just a silly thought. I hadn't realized I said it out loud."

I could feel both of my friends watching me curiously, but I just smiled and followed the lavender path. It led through the beautiful flowers and trees to a small grove with a marble water fountain. My friends followed behind me, and I could still sense their gazes on the back of my white-haired head.

"How do you do it, Allen?" Lenalee asked suddenly.

"Huh? Do what?" I said, straightening from where I had crouched down to smell a particularly large, bright purple flower. These flowers were so much nicer than the one Cross made me take care of.

"Stay so…calm," the young girl elaborated.

"What do you mean?" I wondered, confused.

"Everything that's happened to you…" Lavi said, and his voice was troubled. "Everything you've been through, and you're just fifteen. That stuff would be enough to drive anyone crazy."

"Allen…I haven't seen through your eyes, the way that Lavi has. I don't know what the world you see is like. But I know that your past is Hell."

"The way you're forced to see the world…that's Hell too," said the Bookman in training.

I tilted my head to the side.

"None of us came from easy pasts. If we did, why would we be here now?" I asked them, puzzled by their words.

Yeah, my life had never exactly been perfect. I wouldn't advertise it as a dream world, but it was my life. Plenty of people came from dark pasts. Why should mine be considered any different?

"You've got a point, I guess," Lavi allowed. "But I don't know everything about your past, and the things I do know already overshadow my problems. You've had it way harder than most, bean sprout."

"Quit calling me that!" I snapped. I detested that damned nickname that Kanda had started.

"You were never accepted because of your arm. You didn't know your parents. You were taken in by a street performer who died not long after he found you. You brought him back as an Akuma, and then killed him. He cursed you to see the agonized souls of Akuma, Allen. Even Cross is gone. Everything you ever cared about was always ripped away," said Lenalee. "You've had it worse than pretty much any of us. And that eye…"

"I'd have gone crazy a long time ago if I had your eye, Allen," said Lavi in a rare show of solemnity. "So how can you always be so calm? So happy?"

I looked between the two of them, then turned to look out over the sky. The sun was just beginning to dip below the horizon, and streaks of brilliant red slashed across the sky, as though the clouds were wounded.

My friends had fair points. My life really might have been harder than theirs. Harder than many. My life would have driven any number of people insane. But not me.

_Never stop. Always keep walking._

I smiled, and addressed the sky.

"Because…what happened in the past…I can't change it. It was dark, yeah, and it scarred me in permanent ways. I'm not always calm. The truth is, I'm rarely calm. I became an Exorcist to cope with everything that's happened. You guys know that."

"Yeah, but…"

"Also, Mana left me something. Something that helps me through every day."

"What?"

"A lesson."

My eyes strung a little as I remembered my adopted father, but I would not cry. I refused to cry in front of my friends. I was strong. That was me. Crying achieved nothing.

"What lesson?" Lavi pressed.

My smile grew, and I closed my eyes for a moment. Against the backs of my eyelids, I saw Mana again. I heard his voice echo through the air around me, low and resonant, full of affection that I sometimes dearly missed.

_Never stop. Always keep walking._

"It was only five words," I shrugged. "But they keep me sane, so I keep them close."

"What words?"

I opened my eyes, feeling as always the very slight tug of the scar tissue on the left side of my face. That scar was given to me by Mana. The curse…wasn't really a curse. Not anymore. It was a part of me, a part I had long ago accepted. Looking at Lenalee and Lavi, I saw my reason for continuing to keep walking. I still had people I loved. If I ever lost them, I would be devastated, but I had learned from my mistakes. Their earnest faces would never belong to an Akuma. Not because of me.

"Never stop," I said softly. "Always keep walking."

"What's that mean?" Lavi said, tilting his head to the side. I opened my mouth to reply, but Lenalee beat me to it.

"To never give up," she whispered. "No matter how hard something is, all you can do is keep moving. Or else, it will consume you."

I nodded.

"This eye," I said, pointing to the apparently normal iris. "This curse…It's a part of me. I use it to benefit everyone. I'm used to seeing the souls of Akuma. It's never a nice image, but it doesn't tear me apart any more. I use my pain. I use my darkness. Everything that's ever happened to me is just fuel for the fire, fuel that keeps me going."

"You're an amazing kid, you know that Allen?" Lavi said, shaking his head.

"You're too wise for your age," Lenalee sighed.

I laughed.

"I wouldn't call myself wise," I told them.

The two of them laughed.

"Probably the smartest thing you could've said," said a deep voice from nearby.

All at once, the good mood vanished, and I sighed.

"Go take your doom and gloom somewhere else Kanda. No one needs you killing a moment," I grumble.

"C'mon, Yuu, lighten up!" said Lavi, giving Kanda a light punch on the arm. The sword Exorcist proceeded to send Lavi flying into a nearby tree.

"Whatever. I come here for peace and quiet. Not to get bothered by a white-haired bean sprout."

"MY NAME'S ALLEN!" I snarled, then turned on my heel and walked off, fuming.


End file.
